Wanna know who i really am?
My dark hidden self.
It really is quite a puzzle.
Ok, Here goes.
Throwing away empty makeup bottles is hard for me.
Sometimes I change lanes for no reason at all.
And I like to speed, but not more than 11 miles over.
I wish I was a ballerina.
Dreams of the future are my obsession.
Writing essays gives me deep satisfaction.
Also, I like to write notes to teachers on my tests.
To see if they write back, of course.
Crying is a nice pastime. It relieves anxiety.
Photography and the word Love are pleasing to my eyes.
Reading is unlike any experience. Good or bad.
I've always been proud of my poor vision.
Hopefully I can travel to the most romantic, adventurous places in all the earth.
The Father is my beloved, and I am His.
Always.

The Presence of the Future

Friendship is on my mind as the days until graduation slowly speed by.
It so hard to accurately think of moving on.
The sad part is I know that as I painstakingly predict the future, my glass ball will not tell me the truth.
But nevertheless I still toil over what is to become of people.
Some I believe will go on to be great teachers, doctors, lawyers, writers, and parents.
Others, I don't have a clear read on.
Usually though people turn out a lot differently that planned.
So often I try to see myself in 10 years, but then I realize I can't really imagine myself next year.
I wonder what people predict about my future?
My ears are burning.

Writer's Block

Ever feel like you are watching someone else live your life?
Like the decisions you make on a daily basis is a entity controlling the process, and you are stuck on auto-pilot. Everyday a new emotion experienced but not really felt. They say some drugs make a person loose the ability to feel. That would be the worst punishment in the world. Because although right now I am not FEELING things correctly, I know it is only temporary. So don't do drugs, and don't loose heart.

Oh, So Typical.

Today, call me irritable and rude,
But lucky you, I will be over it in the morning.
Catch me chasing whims and painting flowers,
Catch me with mascara tears streaked across my freckled face.
Tomorrow, shout my name and see me laugh,
see me sharing secrets with my other half.
I'm a pathetic mess with wonderful plans,
I'm a girl just like all the rest.
Never have you met anyone so different.

Forgotten World Give Me Peace Again.

i have never been going through the motions as cheaply as i am right now.
the future encompasses my thoughts, making today seem petty. pointless.
my dreams seem to be stealing the heartbeat of today, which worries me.
i need today to start mattering again.
the haze is covering up my life, making it impossible to be true to myself in
the moment of now.
this mindset cannot be the pattern of my journey,
how can i change?

the girl never looked so good

the reflection of my pixy face looks back at me with a curious look.
i'm having that feeling when you get back from a big event with only
the pictures to show from it. the foundation of my makeup still perfectly
intact. the fade of my rose lips tired with smiles. the softness of my hair
flowing against my back. i slip the expensive dress of my glittered arms
and can't decide what to think about first. putting on my a tank top and
shorts the room feels quiet and confused. all the planning of the
event over.. before i have time to sink into sadness my phone lights
up with a message from the boy i love.

Sunday Evening, About to be that Time Again.

It is 10:11 on Sunday night as I scramble to gather what Augustine was Trying to confess and why Cupid works in mysterious ways.
I check mark my hello kitty to-do list paper with a fake check.
Once again, I sneeze my allergy season into existence, wondering when I penciled in sick time.
Nervousness creeps in my side like a lurking Leviathon for the upcoming days.
Days where I have less than an idea what in God's green earth will happen and can only pray for the energy to simply stay awake.
Oh the teenage dream is what some call it.
The dream part being a little muddled with bathroom passes, work schedules, and fake high school campaign propaganda, but a dream nonetheless.
Now I must ascend on to my eight minute shower break to rinse the hard questions of life off my skin for a moment of warm nothingness mixed with cucumber body wash.
Yet, through the hectic and through the weirdness of this entity we dub senior year, I feel peace as I snuggle up in my loyal bed, because I know I am here for a reason, experiencing every little thing for a reason. And because of this reason I will live every moment. Its worth it.

Wait, Don’t Tell Me the Ending

Hold onto to your surprise goodbye.
Kiss me gently tonight.
Tell me its forever, even if you don’t mean it.
Count your blessings.
Look deeply into my starlit eyes.
Imagine a world without me.
Ponder life’s greatest questions.
Sell it to me straight.
Swim a thousand strokes.
Shake your father’s hand.
Take your allergy medicine.
Do what you like.
Remember me always.
Love without restraint.

It's Love

Eagerly I fling my bag on the ground as soon as my toes hit the plush carpet

Excitement vibrates through my figure

My pearl-ringed finger pulls out bulk out of the crinkly bag

And I feel its solid form weigh heavily on my hand

The smell is the aroma of maiden’s castle room lined with jewels

With a scent of the fall leaves trailing to the worn red quilt

Memories pulsate

A girl broken on the ground

A father’s welcome home hug

A ship wrecking to its doom

A love greater than the sun

Pages of the unknown gleam out

Ready to be experienced

Longing to know how I will feel when its over

And knowing how happy I will be stuck in the middle

Unable to put it down

Life is Certainly Extrordinary

Today I get my big break.

A chance to go.
A chance to do.

I strategically fold my life in a red suitcase,
packing opportunity, hunger for adventure, and a blank notebook.

With all the lists checked and the ticket in my hand,
I board a whirlwind in the sky.

Who would have thought I would be flying to the other side of the globe?
God did.

How awesome is the Creator I serve?
He loves the big picture.
And the thought that He choose me to be a stroke in the picture He is painting is beyond words.

My hope is that for Him I will be unhindered, unashamed, and set apart.
That our group will be Holy, like He is Holy.

I really cannot imagine what is my personal experience will be,
what I will learn, or how I will grow, but I do know it will be
Life-altering.

My goal is to constantly be aware that I am living out what we have all been planning for and waiting for.
This is not the time to be tired or have a negative attitude.
This is the time to truly live.
To breathe in culture and surroundings and love.

For the next two weeks I want to be a giver and to be a doer.
I want to be salt and light for the God I love.

Rendezvous with Resurrection

Open your soul.
Kiss the earth.
Wave hello to opportunity.
Race to the end of the earth,
and jump off the edge of the rim.
Where passion and desire will meet your heartache and pain to create fullness.
Feel desperate,
Longingly desperate.
Go back to the inmost.
Uncover the fear,
Relinquish the genuine.
With the blood pulsing in your organic veins.
Stay pure.

Right Now

one day i will want to come back to this second.
so often we reminisce.
well, this is the the part i want to be mine always.
all the potential energy converting to kinetic at my fingertips.
life with the seams sown, the curtains wide open with rays streaming in.
right now i have it figured out.
i am now.
in the moment.
someday i will look back.
but for the present of the daylight i will be.
simple.
passionate.
outrageous.
blunt.
witty.
changing.
adoring.
remember me as today.

there ya go

we were in love.
it was perfect.
the year was 1970.
you were you.
i was me.
forever.

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Laughter that floats in the empty house making my heart giddy with excitement. Inside jokes bonding us close, making us forget the whole world exists. Late night talks- laying everything imaginable on the table. The splash of the pool on our painted toes. Sisterly smiles which are extremely mischievous. Tiny unimportant moments quickly becoming lasting memories.
This is a summer of love.

A Quick Thought I Needed to Scribble Down

Procrastination is my enemy. I hate it. Seriously. I wish it wasn't even an option. The horrible decision toys deceptively with you, making you believe you really WILL get that job done later. But the newsflash is.... ITS SO MUCH HARDER! Putting important things off makes me feel like I am merely existing versus living. It makes me feel like sludge. Because the whole time you are not accomplishing the needed task, a lump sits on your stomach like a tumor. And a bad taste lingers in your throat like strep throat.

The opposite of that is the whole work-ahead-mentality which make you feel like you have Kicked-butt! Such a better option! I have learned that you really have to train dedication. It doesn't last if your parents are making you do it, or your teachers, or your friends. Staying on task comes from self-determination. I have learned about myself that I love the results of powering-through. The sense of accomplishment is so much better than the procrastination route.

Porch Swing Required

Growing up teaches you a lot.
People in the end matter more.
One must learn how to cope.
No pain, no gain.
Experience is the greatest teacher.
A perfect moment can never be re-created or exactly duplicated.

Today was the longest day (light) of the entire 365 days.
A very poetic day.
I wonder why more songs haven't been written about it?
I wish everyday contained as much daylight as today did, it makes the 24 hours seem longer (in a good way).
My gift from June 21st was the first real feeling of summer since my trig final on June 3.
I can't recall the exact moment, but at some point today summer felt real.

Expiration Date

Today, I was in the grocery store picking up some Velvetta Cheese for my mom.
Cool right?
I noticed the expiration date for the cheese was August 30, and i thought to myself... Wow.. I will be a senior in high school then!
Instantly the wheels in my head seriously started rolling!
Time just goes so fast!
This summer will probably be the quickest summer of my life.
I work. I sleep. I get sick. I go to Asia. I love.
Pretty jam-packed if you ask me.
Therefore, with the little moments I have that aren't penciled in I need to have a plan.
As my beautiful teacher once told me, "You have to find a time in the day to let yourself be creative."
Hence blogging.
This will be my summer escape from the madness.
I will chase rapture.
Prove I'm an everyday lunatic.
And attempt to piece words together to write about the every-changing roads I'm winding.